I’ve been steadily gaining weight for the past 2 years, and it has been so hard to get myself to a good mental place to lose it.
Little back story: I suffered from an eating disorder for 8 years, and was in my ideal weight that whole time. Then, when I was in a long term relationship with a partner who was extremely concerned, I replaced the ED with a strict, mostly raw vegan diet and exercised ~3 hours a day. Staying at my ideal weight was such an obsession, and where I lived made it a lot easier (small southern town, had a huge garden that thrived year round so I could grow my food myself, paired with the fact that there was nothing to do so I exercised everyday largely out of boredom).
That was all 5-15 years ago.
Since then, I moved to a Northern big city, made some friends (I also had a hard time making any friends when I was in the South, so I never went out or was exposed to foods I wasn’t actively trying to eat). Since a few years ago, I’ve learned to “let go” of food obsessions, because I realized it’s actually nice to go out and enjoy a cheesy or meaty meal with friends. I felt a lot happier at first when I stopped obsessing over my food (especially since I didn’t weigh more than I wanted to and was very slim/fit), and got really into indulging without necessarily realizing how that was going to affect me, since I was looking in the mirror everyday after an indulgence and didn’t notice any immediate, catastrophic results from it. Instead of being slightly concerned about calories when friends wanted to share some fried foods, I became the friend who opted for fried foods. I started drinking more. Eventually, I got 40 pounds heavier, with a massive loss of muscle, and since then, I’ve been very self-deprecating and often times will choose the most unhealthy option out of spite to myself (mentally thinking things like, “you’re the type of person these absurdly large portions are intended for”). I’m not sure why I do this, but it’s been a downward spiral that I don’t believe in myself enough to break out of. I would like to think I can get back to a healthy weight, but I honestly am a total failure at any diet or exercise plan I try to commit myself to now, and it makes me feel so much worse. When I try CICO, I blow through my calorie limit within the first half of the day and then hate myself for still being so hungry. I’m not sure what I can do to break beyond this barrier that’s holding me back from being healthier.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2SS4MC4
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