Does anyone here struggle with body dismorphia as well as gender disphoria, especially both relating to being fat and weight loss?

I want to lose weight because I want to be healthier, on the surface I ideally want that to be my goal.

But I also feel like being overweight all my life has contributed to feeling a huge disconnect from what I see in the mirror versus what I feel I look like. I feel like my body is either "super grotesquely fat" or an amorphous blob that has no bearing on reality. Also, it almost feels like my body exists in the interpretations and minds of others and not my own, I am always looking for reassurance for what I really look like in photos or from other's comments (which never end well for my mental state).

Sex wise I'm female, and have identified as female all my life, mostly out of not really having an idea of it's bearing on my identity. Similarly I feel being fat means I don't fit into the societal stereotypes of what "femininity" is. Although in some ways it does, it could be seen as motherly, which may relate to femininity. But I also have traits that come from being fat that say I'm masculine. Yet I feel like if I was born as a guy I wouldn't feel any different gender wise.

Apart from that, I have definitely never felt an attachment to any gender. Nor any body. This is mostly (I think) because I feel like I've existed in the fringes of what's normal and societally acceptable.

So when I look to lose weight, I feel like I'm giving into this conformity. I'm allowing my body to fit into the standards of society which would in theory make me feel good. But instead it assigns things to me I never felt or wanted in the first place.

I kind of want to transition (ftm) but I'm wondering if it's just grasping at straws to feel connected to some societally acceptable physical form of any kind.

I shouldn't get started either on my relationship with food (food=happiness) that makes weight loss harder. I guess that's just the crux of this, it's hard to lose weight because of these mental blocks that I'd feel I'm violating about myself.

I feel like some realization about myself is on the horizon but right now this is my main struggle with weight loss.

submitted by /u/DrLlemington
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