I am having such a hard time thinking about it.
I spent my whole life being constantly prodded and poked and picked at by her. It's always little things. Usually big things too. I pretty much consider my childhood busted, and I fucking went through so much (not by her hands) and came out with eating disorder and general high criticism of myself.
Well she came into town Friday. I was so fucking excited to see my mom because I just moved out and am finally living on my own away from my parents. BF and I were excited to take her to dinner and on the drive there, she just completely melted down. "This is such a nice area to walk. You guys should be walking at least 3 days a week. Boyfriend can you PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE make sure zzzt_zzzt goes to the gym? If not, just please go walking together. I beg of you, it's so important, that's all I ask of you, besides being kind to my daughter. That's all I beg of you" etc etc There was a ton more and I was honestly so used to her fucking embarrassing me that I let it slide and didn't let it completely ruin the mood.
Dinner time comes around and every little fucking thing I do is being put under a microscope. She asks very nosy questions about what I'm eating and even chastises me for taking the appetizer (that I ordered) home. Then she asks my boyfriend if he's "really going to eat all of that on his plate" and asks me the same. "Wow that's so much food" and other comments like that.
Fast forward to yesterday when she was about to drop me off. She made a comment about my clothes and how I was wearing my pajamas and I flipped my shit. I told her that being around her makes me feel awful. I told her that everything I do is wrong in her eyes. I told her how I was so fucking embarrassed that she would literally beg my boyfriend to make sure I went to the gym.
We didn't argue, really. She broke down and cried harder than I'd seen her cry. Told me she was worried about my weight. and that she wakes up at night crying about it (???). That pisses me off SO MUCH because my progress is not HERS. My journey is not HERS. She wants me to rapidly lose weight but if I do that, I would probably gain it back because I have an EATING DISORDER and I NEED to change the small things FIRST. But it's never good enough for her. I told her that. And she seemed to understand that. We both ended up crying a lot.
But now...? Now I still feel so fucking empty and embarrassed. I look into my boyfriend's face and feel like a disappointment. I feel so undeserving of his patience and kindness. Before she visited, I was feeling so confident that I was taking the right steps to losing weight, looking for a therapist to help me, joining a gym, all of that. But then she just ruined it. I had done so much to stifle that small critical, nagging voice in my head that was full of self-hatred, internal vandalism and unending criticism... and she just made it come back, louder and stronger.
I want to lock myself into a room and just cry into a pillow. I want to run away from the situation. I don't know where to go from here besides more anger and lashing out because I feel that voice coming up and telling me everything is wrong with me and that I'm an ugly monster. That used to happen but then I started to love myself. She undid all of that.
Edit: I'm also just not sure how to continue a positive relationship with her right now. We're texting normally but I feel very fake about it. I apologized for snapping but I still feel troubled in my heart.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2ljAJoV
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