Hi everyone, apologies for the long post coming up, but I’ve never posted here because I’ve always been ashamed of my story and my weight, even amongst people who are going through similar things as me. I also have always been adamant that I don’t need help and I can do things alone.
I have always been fat but before I started dieting, I was 260 lbs. I went through significant heartbreak and dropped down to 191 lbs after going through a severe depression. I was doing all the right things physically, but mentally it was all wrong and a lot of the reason why I eventually failed. I was looking better than ever before, but I kept criticising myself and feeding myself with negative thoughts about how I still wasn’t good enough.
Then I was raped...I suppressed it for 6 months, but I was already spiralling out and putting on weight. It was only when I broke away from someone who I had strong unrequited feelings for (the same guy who I lost all the weight for) that I completely lost it. I became catatonically depressed, I binged food to send me into a sleep so I could avoid dealing with life - I used it the way an alcoholic would use alcohol to drink themselves to sleep. I used food to punish myself, I’d get sick by eating too much and still eat. I started thinking really unhealthy thoughts:
The rape happened because I was thin, getting fat will protect me because I am less desirable, I can hide from people because none of my clothes fit, I have an excuse to not try, Why bother losing weight anyway? It’s not like anyone will love you, you’ll never be good enough.
It got so bad that I became suicidal - to the planning stages. A concerned friend made me see and tell the doctor. At the appointment I found out I was now 275 lbs. I felt so hopeless and desolate and I told the doctor I wanted to kill myself. I have been so deeply unhappy with myself and my life thinking I’m a failure. I look back at pictures of when I was thinner and I dream I was that thin, even though that time I was beating myself for not losing fast enough. I am using my weight and my eating disorder as a cage to keep me locked in this horrible mental state when really it is impacting my health and my mind, my overall happiness and self esteem. It doesn’t protect me at all, because in the end I’m the one who is abusing myself.
I want to be happy with myself. I’ve never loved myself and my weight is directly tied to this horrible mental state. I had a really difficult and abusive childhood so I’ve noticed I constantly use food as a source of comfort for my anxiety as well as a way to keep beating myself up and hating myself. But I really want to love myself.
So this is my real Day 1. I am planning on using CICOb (1500 cal), IF (16:8, OMAD) and lowering carb intake. I will also be increasing exercise gradually, doing swimming and boxing for cardio and weights to build muscle. It is all very similar to what I did before, which for losing weight was very effective, but this time I want to lose weight in a positive way as an act of self-love, not self-criticism. I have asked for therapy, but I really would also appreciate any support, guidance or accountability because this time I won’t be proud and think I can do everything in isolation. I am afraid because this is a huge deal for me and I’m terrified of failing again - but I’m hoping this community might be one of the ways to help me keep positive on the way towards my goal to be happy and healthy again.
Thanks for listening to me.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2S1OiWm
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