(This is a feeling sorry for myself post, warning people now so they can skip if they want)
And there's nothing I can seem to do about it. If it was just a matter of discipline at this point it'd be easy. I quit using my vape, weed, pills, with ease. Tossed out a lot of bad behavior. But never this. Why does this have to be so hard. It's just fucking food.
I saw 169lbs for one day back in November. That was the thing I was aiming for for months, and it was only downhill from there. I'm 190 again. So close to being back to the hell of 200s. I started in Feb 2017, if started means actually losing. Otherwise I've been trying to lose for years and years and years. Basically my entire fucking life. Since 10.
I've read brain over binge. I've taken Phentermine. I've researched for months, I've posted here many times (deleted out of embarrassment), I've read posts here. I've joined discord groups. I've tried fasting. I've tried deleting MyFitnessPal and food journals. I've tried not obsessively worrying about every little thing I eat. I've hurt myself over this. I've cried about it. I took pain medication just to hold off appetite and distract myself with the high. Tried nicotine. I've tried loving myself how I am to make it easier to take care of myself better. I've taken it slow, cleared my mind about it, given a rest for a little before focusing again, fixing other problems first. And still it's the same.
It's not even anything anymore. I feel nothing when I eat. I don't even feel an impulse to eat or a craving to eat anymore, I just eat. I don't feel bad beforehand, not like I'm anxious, sad, hurt, anything that people say triggers emotional or binge eating. I just do. I don't get why.
Every day I wake up hoping today will be the day that this ends. I hope like there's some magical words someone will say or some revaluation ill have that'll fix me. But I know there isn't. And I know the response I get: talk to therapist/psychiatrist, as if that's so easy. "You've lost ___ already that's so good" not anymore, it's been over a year. That's worn off already.
It's like I was born just to be like this and be stuck in a never ending cycle and struggley entire life
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from loseit - Lose the Fat http://bit.ly/2Jy5BvN
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