I’ve never been anything close to resembling “skinny” but there have been times when I’ve been much smaller than I am now.
My stepmom LOVES to tell a story about how, when I was 4, I was a “normal” sized little girl but when circumstances took her and my father across the country, I was left alone with my mom for 6 months. Whenever she would call and ask what I was doing, I’d say “Eating”. She always ends the story with a resounding “... and when I got back I saw just how true that was, talk about ballooning up!”
My mom isn’t maternal let alone nurturing; her idea of top notch parenting was to sit me in front of the TV with McDonald’s... for almost every meal. As a kid, I thought this was amazing but looking back I can see this was setting me up for a lifetime of unhealthy coping mechanisms. For six months straight, anytime I wanted love or attention, I was met with junk food and TV.
Now, as an adult who’s been diagnosed with depression (which I suspect I’ve had my whole life), there is no end to the things that “should” motivate me but nothing seems to. I give myself excuse after excuse to hit the drive-thru on my way home or to lay in bed watching hour upon hour of TV.
About 6 years ago, I did lose a bit of weight, I “buckled down” and went from 235 to 179 (I’m 5’7), which was the smallest I’d been my entire adult life. I felt healthy and confident; I met a guy and eventually got married. About two years into our relationship I started feeling the depression taking hold again. Not a coincidence that this happened just as my man and I moved in with each other and I realized that he wasn’t what I thought. He wasn’t terrible but he didn’t make me feel good about myself, physically, which made me doubt my worthiness (If this was as fit as I’d ever been and this guy, who supposedly loved me, doesn’t find me attractive, then what hope is there). I kept telling myself that I was reading into things and letting my insecurities get the better of me. I wasn’t entirely happy in the relationship but my “see it through” attitude kept me hanging on. Cue more weight gain and deeper depression, then... cue divorce. Turns out, I probably should’ve listened to my intuition lol.
During our divorce, my (now) ex recited a litany of examples as to why I wasn’t good enough for him (most of which were caused by my worsening depression for which his lack of affection was the main contributor... but I digress lol). The one that is most relevant to this post was him flat out saying that he had never been super attracted to me (physically) and that after meeting my sisters, he found it hard not to compare and in so doing, did NOT find me attractive making him not want to be intimate with me. I have three gorgeous half sisters; one is a literal model.
Given all this, I should have no problem getting/staying motivated to lose weight, right!? However, whether it’s a desire to not be seen as the fat sister or even a classic “revenge bod” scenario, nothing actually does the trick. I find this ridiculous and welcome any and all feedback/guidance.
This was long, thank you for making it to the end lol!
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from loseit - Lose the Fat http://bit.ly/2UFNMlj
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