Hi, I really apologize because I know that stuff like this probably gets asked a lot. I want to let it be known though that I am in the process of getting help for this and I've reached out to both the counseling center and doctor at my college. But I don't think my struggles are going to be completely resolved anytime soon.
Anyways, for quick context, I'm a 5'11 male who is gay (reason for me telling my sexuality will come later in this), and I started a <2000 calorie diet shortly after the new year started. I just wanted to lose weight and work on my body since that isn't something that I've really EVER done throughout my entire life. I was 188 pounds or so at the beginning of this. I've never really ever watched what I've eaten before throughout my life. So food has really been in control of me my entire life, and up until this new diet started I hadn't made any restrictions in what I've eaten.
But after I started the diet I quickly became consumed within everything about it. I was counting my calories ALL THE TIME and thinking about it SO MUCH, and after about 2 weeks or so since starting the diet, I started going to the gym very regularly, and now I go about 5 days a week at least, and if I don't go AT LEAST 4 then I feel extremely bad and guilty and like I've failed. Calorie counting, exercising, what foods I was eating, my weight, and when I was eating was just CONSUMING my life, and there were some days where I thought about stuff and anything related to that about 90% of the day. Over the coming weeks I just become more and more strict about things related to this, and there were days where I felt extremely guilty if I had eaten a lot in a short span of time, and if I was within 50 or so calories of my limit then I would feel just horrible and disgusted with myself that I let food control me that much to the point that I was that close to going over my limit. It, however, wasn't as bad as it has been the past week.
This past week things have just gotten unbearable. As a gay male, I feel the complete need to be skinny and make myself look better. I feel pitiful being gay and being even slightly overweight or having any belly fat. I feel like media presents gay men as either athletic with muscles or skinny with a slightly toned body. I've also has barely any luck on apps such as Grindr and Tinder, and it makes me feel like I'm not desirable to anyone. I went from 188 pounds to about 170 pounds, but I was stuck at about ~ 170 for two weeks or so, and this got frustrating. I started thinking how I could continue to lose weight even though my belly fat which I hated was still there. I hated the way my belly looked in the mirror so much. I tried to eat even less, but nothing too extreme. However, about 2 weeks ago it was my birthday, so that night I went out and drank a lot and had a decent amount of food, and I ate whatever I wanted on my birthday. The week after that my university has this big yearly party where everyone drinks a ton. So after the day of that party I decided I would just eat whatever I wanted since I was so hungover. Then, following this I had just felt EXTREMELY guilty about eating whatever I wanted and letting food control me for so many days in the past couple of weeks, so I just spiraled out of control.
This past week I have been eating SO LITTLE. Some days as little as 600 calories, but I'd say on average about 900ish per day, but NEVER above 1000. And I have been seeing results on the scale and it's making me happy. As of now I am at 161 pounds, which is 27 pounds since I started, but my belly fat is still there and I'm still wanted to eat less and less because I want to look even skinnier. But my relationship with food is SO TOXIC. It's almost like food is my enemy now. I see it as bad. I'm restricting what I eat way more. I HATE sugar and seeing it on the nutrition facts, and foods that are high in fat scare me. Foods that are high in protein or high in fiber are the ONLY foods now that I don't have hesitation to eat. Protein bars, chicken, tofu, coffee, and vegetables are the only foods that don't make me feel much guilt after eating. I've had this EXTREME issue with food and wanting to work out more as well as go super low in my calories for about the past 6 days. That one day of eating whatever I wanted truly ignited this horrible streak of days where I've hardly eaten. The other day I ordered a salad and asked for light dressing, and I was disgusted by how much dressing they ended up putting on it and I picked apart the salad for about 5 minutes and removed the heavy areas of dressing and even got rid of a lot of the cheese in it. And even then I only ate like half of it and thought I had consumed way too many calories.
The other day I made my first purge attempt while I was at the gym, and I hadn't even eaten much that day. I just had this feeling of wanting to get food outside of my system because food is an enemy. I put my finger in the back of my throat and gagged once, but I got really scared and stopped and if I had actually thrown up while others were in the bathroom then I would've been really scared and embarrassed These thoughts all of the time are so exhausting and I want it to stop, but if I eat more then I'll feel bad, and while I would love to indulge I know I'll regret it and think I'm being unhealthy. I would not feel comfortable eating a full and complete meal in front of someone at this point. And I, myself am just eating in small bursts throughout the day and trying to stay around 800 calories despite the fact that I'm a big guy who is almost 6 feet.
I just have this toxic feeling in my find for so much of the day and it's so horrible. The other day I ate so little ( ~700 cals) and it got to the point where I felt dizzy and couldn't do my school work. But I feel accomplished when I eat very little because as long as that number on the scale goes down then I feel okay. I have a complete and utter attitude that for the rest of my life I NEVER want food to be in control of me ever again. I ALWAYS want to be in control of food, because food was in control of me for too long of a period in my life, and I feel like on the days that I almost went over my calorie limit, that the food was controlling me. I never ever want that.
I spoke to the suicide hotline and it helped and he suggested I see a doctor as soon as possible, and I did and will be making appointments for this coming week.
Please let me know though if there's any additional help you can give. A response like "just eat more" absolutely won't do anything, because I legitimately will not eat more at this point except for occasions in which I'm drinking alcohol since I'm not the way I am while I'm sober. I hate being like this. I hate that my relationship with food has become so toxic, and I need more guidance. Please help. And do you think I have an eating disorder?
tl:dr This past week I've been eating so very little (~800 cals per day and I'm a 5'11 guy), and I think I might have an eating disorder. I think about food, calories, and my weight CONSTANTLY.
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