Hello everyone. I'm sorry about the long post.
I'm 24 years old, between 5'8" and 5'9" and weigh 227 lbs (highest weight was 305 lbs). I'm 78 lbs down and have 67 lbs before I hit my goal weight. I eat between 1300 and 1500 calories a day with light at-home cardio daily.
Lately I've been really struggling with my emotions around food, specifically sweets and restaurants. It has happened every now and then in the past, but in the past month alone, I've cried at least five times regarding food situations.
The first time was at our monthly work group luncheon. We went to Buffalo Wild Wings, and I was really overwhelmed by the calorie counts. I started to tear up a little bit, and a coworker noticed. I made an excuse that I was just anxious about my wrist after seeing the doctor that morning (I've been dealing with some bad wrist pain that may need surgery, still going through some annoying referral limbo.) I went to the bathroom, cried a bit, cleaned myself up and held it together for the rest of the outing. I ordered some boneless wings, only ate part of my portion so I could stick to my calorie budget, and gave the rest to my husband later that day so I didn't have to worry about it going to waste.
The second was at a Tex-Mex restaurant my husband and I met some friends at to celebrate one of them getting a new job. I couldn't find anything on the menu that wasn't an absolute calorie bomb, everyone else at the table had all this amazing, delicious looking food, one friend brought a Publix cake for the occasion, and before I knew it I was freaking out and tearing up. I ended up leaving quickly before I started to be visibly crying, my husband followed me out and tried to comfort me. I ugly cried in front of the restaurant (within earshot of the outside seating area). I was mortified, and I sat in the car crying while he said goodbye to everyone so he could take me home. When our friends asked what had happened he just told them I was tired from work that day and had gotten overwhelmed by how busy and loud the restaurant was.
The third time was in the grocery store. I wasn't feeling well (getting over a cold) and my husband had to go out to his parents to help them out with some furniture moving. The meal I had set aside for the night was already in two servings, and I didn't want to throw off our meal plans (my husband is also trying to lose weight). I thought I would just grab something quick since I wasn't feeling well, but when looking around the store for something in my calorie budget, I got distracted by a bunch of boxed mac and cheese I used to love to eat. I kept going back over to them, but knew they were way out of my calorie budget because I knew I'd eat the entire box. Between them and the ice cream in the same section as microwave meals, I ended up getting incredibly upset and overwhelmed. I started to cry, so we left the store without anything and I ended up just eating a mix of little foods we had at home.
The next time was also a grocery store experience. My younger brother had gotten dumped by his girlfriend via text while he was hanging out at our house. He wanted to get some groceries, including ice cream (emotional eating is definitely a family habits problem, but my brother is incredibly tall so he doesn't struggle with his weight as much). He got a Ben and Jerry's pint, my husband got some Magnum bars he could fit into his calorie budget, but I once again got upset even just looking at some Halo Top pints and ended up going home teary eyed and empty handed.
The next time was grocery store once again, the store was having a sale on one of my favorite sweet: chocolate chip cookies. I got what was on my list to get, but kept wandering back over to the cookies and getting more and more upset. I tried to justify them "Oh, but they are only 70 calories a cookie." But I know myself, I have zero self-control around sweets, and I know that if I buy the bag, I won't just have one cookie. I'll have two, then another, then another, until the entire bag is gone and that's 1000 calories I don't have the budget for. So I started to cry and told my husband we needed to just leave now.
The next time was about an hour ago. My work is having a retirement party for a coworker, and I thought we would have what we usually have at work parties: a single Publix sheet cake to split between everyone. I had budgeted to have the calories for it, I had mentally prepared myself to get a small piece, I thought I would be fine. We walk into the room and there is a SPREAD of sweets. There is normal vanilla cake, three flavors of cheesecake, there are chocolate chip cookies, peanut butter cookies, cupcakes, oreo tarts, "mermaid" punch, etc. I start seeing other people getting food, everything is happy and celebratory, but I'm just standing in a corner getting really anxious. I can't walk up to the table, because I know I won't just get one thing. I want to try every flavor of cheesecake, every flavor of cookie, etc. I have one coworker walk in and comment to me that "Oh wow, everything looks great!", followed by another one asking "Aren't you going to get anything?" I just politely said no thank you, waiting for them to turn their backs and slipped out of the room. I cried in the bathroom for a bit and headed to my office so I could be out of the situation.
In each of these cases, once I'm away from the food, I can stop crying and I feel better. But I'm worried because I feel like I'm not able to function like a normal human being right now. I should be able to just say "no" to some food I want, but still be able to stay around and enjoy the company of others. But without fail just the thought of being in a social situation revolving around food causes me to start to tear up. My next monthly co-worker luncheon is coming up, and I think I'm going to have to excuse myself from it. The restaurant we are going to is small and local, so they don't have calorie counts available. I'm was trying to plan what I might get to reduce some stress, but thinking about it still has me anxious. My coworkers, excluding one middle-aged woman, are all a healthy weight. I feel really self-conscious that food is such a problem for me. None of this feels normal, and I am beginning to feel very alone.
I've had a lot on my mind lately with my mother facing death very soon if she doesn't get a liver transplant due to the non-alcoholic fatty liver disease. I lost my grandmother a few years ago due to obesity related heart disease too. My mom hasn't been following the diet her doctor told her to be on, and she isn't losing the weight she needs. I saw her recently, and she is not looking good. I wanted her to come up and stay with me for a week to help get her back on track, but she refused saying she doesn't feel well enough to. I pushed the issue, saying I'm worried about her, but she brushed me off. Obesity killed my grandmother, is killing my mother, and I'm afraid if I can't lose the rest of this weight, it's going to kill me too.
Sorry for the long post, but I had a lot I needed to get off my chest. My questions regarding advice is does anyone have experience facing this kind of problem? Should I go to my doctor to talk about a therapist referral? Should I just start avoiding social food situations while I lose weight? My husband said he's been really proud of me for saying no and avoiding my vices. In each situation, I was able to leave without giving in to my cravings and overeating, so I guess that is something to be proud of. But emotionally I feel incredibly distraught in the moment until I can get away from the food. I'm feeling really alone.
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