My freshman year of college I ballooned about forty pounds - I didn't care, because I had reconnected with a girlfriend from the past and we were both really, really in love with each other. She made me feel really good about myself and about my body in a way that I never had before. I put all of my trust in her. We were best friends, we did everything together. Went through all of college together, traveled together, worked together, made friends together. Nearly a decade of our lives were wrapped up together in and out of our relationship with one another.
My senior year we move into a house together with a couple of close friends and one acquaintance. The acquaintance is a gym buff in a very toxic way: has issues with drinking, getting into fights, etc. But he's really funny. And in shape. She immediately notices that he flirts with her as soon as we've all moved in together. He follows her around the house, constantly hitting on her, she get's really annoyed about him to me. They spend more and more time together, they get really close. I don't care, she has a lot of male friends and besides, I really trust her. They start to go to the gym together. She still comes to me about every week or so and tells me about different times he's commented on her body in overtly sexual ways. They get drunk together and really overtly flirt with eachother: I tell her it makes me uncomfortable, I tell him he crossed some lines. But it's never the same after that: for the next four months I watch as they cuddle in front of me, flirt with each other in front of me, etc. They go out together, I'm working towards graduate school and publishing stuff now so I stay in to write drafts while they go out. I tell her multiple times that their flirting makes me uncomfortable, to please have some boundaries. She tells me I'm a bad person for thinking that way, that I'm uncomfortable with her having close male friendships. She convinces me that I'm being paranoid and misogynistic, that I'm ruining our relationship by talking to her about how her actions make me uncomfortable. Every time I'm away from the house I get anxious that they're alone together, so I always go home. Then I'm just there watching them flirt with eachother, and I'm confused and angry with myself and sad. While he's rubbing her feet he asks me why I'm not friendlier.
I lose ten pounds from the combo of living off campus/off cafe food and from walking at least a mile everyday. She doesn't notice. He's going abroad for spring semester, which she and I agree will be better for our relationship. I go home for January to work over winter break. She stays home with him, they're constantly with eachother. People meet them for the first time and ask how long they've been dating. She tells me about it with a kind of glee, like it makes her excited. She asks me if I think he gets sexual satisfaction from going to the gym with her. I don't answer, she already knows. He talks about her tits often enough. He leaves and I come back, I tell her that I don't think they can be friends anymore for the health of our relationship. She cries. Says she feels trapped in the house with him not there. She wants to move out, but we can still date - just like we used to. She needs her own space.
I find out from mutual friends that he had confided in that they had admitted their feelings for each other before he left. I ask her if she's lied to me about anything, she says no. I tell her what I know. She seems really, really ashamed. Gets quiet and won't look at me. Says she wants to break up - that things have been said now that change things. All that happened was I got a clearer picture and caught her in a lie.
I still love her. She was the one who came back into my life. She was the one to say that she loved me. She was the one who talked constantly about how worried she was that I'd leave her. She's been my best friend, my partner, and my constant companion for the past three years - so when she's crying to me, of course I say that I'll listen to how she feels. Seeing her cry makes me cry. She tells me how much she likes him. That she'll do anything to be with him: that she'll let him just fuck her if it means he might eventually date her.
I slept on friends' floors and couches for a month while she slowly moved out of the house. Halfway through the month she started sleeping in his vacant bed.
She said that when I had told her - months ago - about my suicidal thoughts when we'd all first moved in together that she'd felt like she didn't know me. I opened up about my mental health to my best friend and partner of three years, and it became one of the reasons she left me. She said she liked him "because he's dumb." She feels connected to him, like they get eachother. They've known eachother for 4 months.
She's broken up with me once before, back in 2014. A week later she had started dating another guy. It had made me quit myfitnesspal because I just wanted to feel better, and I got that through getting stoned and eating. I'm done. I'm not doing that this time. While I was working, she was off at the gym falling for her new guy. I'm doing myfitnesspal again. I'm going to the gym: not regularly, but when I can get someone to go with me. I used to run, I'm trying to get back into it. In June 2018 I was at my heaviest at 285 lbs. Right now I'm at 261 lbs. I've been drinking a lot, but I'm usually drinking vodka for the calories. And I'm always logging it. I want to feel good about myself and about my body like how she made me feel. I gotta numb this for now, but I'm not going to let it be what balloons me again. I'm going to get healthier.
sorry for the wall of text. It has been a really rough time. I've been a long, long time lurker here. There's never been a time in my life where I've felt good about my body, I want that to change.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2IXPWqZ
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