Ugh. Depression. Right? I don't know how many of you guys are depressed, I know I've seen people post about depression before but I'm bad at remembering. So, here's the deal. I turned 30 in November and I hit my highest ever weight (370), which was 100% my fault, no matter how much I want to blame the three years I've had a desk job and lived in a place its not very easy to just get out and walk and do stuff. What really happened is I'm on birth control, I'm on anti-depressants and I'm on medication for my OCD and all three of those things make weight gain a lot easier, and I knew that, and I knew I needed to put literally any effort in, but unfortunately depression makes that really hard, even on meds.
I met my husband in 2010. We started dating and moved in together in 2011. We didn't have a car (mine had broken down and he never had one) and we walked everywhere. I lost some weight (280 to like 240 or so) and was excited about continuing to keep going (for my height my recommended weight is like 150 I think- I'm 5'9'') but then depression reared its ugly head for the first time since high school (4 years previously) and I just lost all motivation to do anything. Factor in the fact that we got a car and were no longer super active, I gained the weight back and was back at 280. For several years I hovered around 280 to 310, I got put on anti-depressants a couple of years ago, and then bam, I had to have gallbladder surgery, which was a little over a year ago. It took me way too long to figure out what I could and couldn't eat and how my body was going to function with no gallbladder, since I already have stomach problems. I finally got my fiber and vitamins right, and things were kind of going really well when my doctor quit and her replacement started switching my medicine. That was fine until she took me off of the anti-depressant that kind of kept me from being hungry and put me on the one that makes me snacky all the time.
Thing is, I'm bipolar. One of the fun symptoms of bipolar disorder is that you're either starving or not hungry at all. Which just totally screws up everything. I also realized that not only do I eat when I'm bored, but I eat when I'm depressed. Did I mention that I get depressed if I'm bored? On top of bipolar disorder, I have seasonal depression, which means that all winter (and for me any time its dark or cold in general) I just have this compulsion to eat everything tasty to comfort my asshole brain.
I decided that March was going to be my month and I was done with this shit. My medication is somewhat stable, and I've gotten back into calorie counting. I've exercised every day this week but one. And that's awesome. I haven't gone over on calories, I'm eating better food, I'm avoiding empty calories in the form of all the things I love like bread and chocolate and stuff like that.
Then today, depression decided that it needed to come and say hi and ruin my day. So far I have been on track (which is easy because I'm at work and I only have the stuff that I packed to eat) but my stupid brain is craving the hell out of cinnamon toast, chocolate, bread sticks, chocolate milk, and all kinds of other crap that I shouldn't be eating because I only have like 800 calories left for today and I do not want to mess this up.
I am so over being overweight and hating my appearance and having back problems and my life generally sucking. Depression is trying to ruin that, but I'm not going to let it. I am going to fight like hell to not let everything go back to the way it was and keep trying to form better habits (better food, exercise, etc) but it is so damn hard. Those of you who are depressed, how the hell do you do this?
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