I have basically been overweight for as long as I know. I can remember being bullied for being overweight since the 2nd grade. My parents would push me to lose weight but continue to overfeed me and encourage me to have junk food. For a brief periods of time, between the ages of 15 and 18, I was almost thin. However, even when I was thinner, I was still bullied for being overweight. I can’t stand staring at myself in the mirror. I look like an ugly monster. I have no confidence and I am filled with such hatred towards so many people in my past who have hurt me. I am bitter and angry at my own parents for fucking me up like this, even though I know that this doesn’t help me in anyway and that I can only help myself by taking responsibility for my own actions. Almost every day, I wake up thinking about my weight. Almost every day I tell myself: ‘Today is a new start. You can do it today’.
Well this morning, I just can’t do it anymore. I want to burst into tears because I can’t do it. Every day I lie to myself, telling myself that things will change and that I have what it takes. Then, when I inevitably fail this new diet, I fall into a few days of misery – eating away. Eventually I wake up another morning and tell myself: ‘Here’s a fresh start. It ends today’. But this morning I can’t believe myself anymore, I have lost all credibility to myself. My body is bloated from the past few days of excessive eating and I don’t even want to show my face in public. I can’t stand the idea of staying fat, but I can’t imagine a future in which I am fit and happy. Happiness, confidence, and love for my body has been stolen from me and I now believe that I am a fundamentally broken person with no chance of the future he wants. I have tried every diet you can think of, I have tried addressing my eating issues through anti-depressants, therapy, you name it. I even had liposuction.
I can’t fucking take it anymore. I am so miserable.
I don’t know why I am writing this. I think I am begging for help. Hoping that one of you out there somehow has felt the same way. Hoping that there is a way out. I just can’t believe myself anymore when I say: ‘You can do it. You will do it’. I have no hope left.
I guess my question is: Why should I believe in myself anymore?
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