I didn't realize I was binge eating until after I was raped
In the aftermath of the experience I felt so disconnected from myself. It was like I was floating above myself, watching myself go through the motions and I became a movie critic for the most pathetic movie ever. "Seriously? You're taking a shower that's like 9,001 degrees Fahrenheit? Wow, so original"
"Oh look now you're ordering food! Shocking!!" "Yep, just gonna go ahead and eat those feelings up, that's healthy!" "okay you passed 'treating yourself' like two entrees ago and just missed the exit for 'comfort eating' and it looks like you're going straight to Binge city"
And the really funny thing is at the time I actually didn't even fully believe that I was raped. I was still convinced that I was just stupid and got myself into stupid situations. I was in a state of disassociation, I was trying to scrub myself clean and I was binge eating. It was so plainly obvious what had happened to me and I still couldn't let myself believe that it wasn't my fault.
All I had the power to do was mock myself for being stupid.
And in a sad way, it helped me realize I was binge eating because before this event, when I was binge eating to comfort myself and cope with the struggle of just trying to want to live, I thought that was just eating
It took something really shitty to happen to me, to force me to enter a very profound state of disassociation, for me to acquire the self awareness needed to recognize a piece of what was wrong with me. I would never in a thousand years consider going back to another doctor because I was so sick and tired of being told I just needed to put the fork down and one more shithead medical professional giving me the shame spiel at this point might have pushed me over the edge
The idea of getting a psych and the psych telling me my self esteem would improve if I just lost weight
This is the state of mental health care in the states right now.
I got better after I moved to Canada and got diagnosed with ADHD. That was literally it. I just needed someone with x-ray vision to look past the fat and see a sad broken person inside just struggling to be a human, not understanding why everyone else is making it look so easy
In retrospect it's really obvious to me why I responded with denial and self-loathing to the trauma of being raped.
It's because every time I would try to reach out and express acceptance for myself, or try to express that being fat (being myself) is beyond a simple lack of self-discipline, I would get shut down by everyone. "No it's not, stop making excuses"
Y'all. I'm lucky to be alive right now. I can't even tell you how close I was.
Maybe many of us here in this sub gained a little weight here and there from just not paying attention. You're here because you're looking for cheerleaders and support and tips and tricks to keep you motivated to go to the gym or whatever.
I saw online a friend shared one of those "post a controversial opinion and you can only respond with agree or disagree" and someone was like "I think criticizing people for their weight is the solution for obesity" or whatever and everyone is just like agree agree agree agree
Some of us have been obese since childhood and trying and failing to lose weight. Some of us have a lot of internalized problems that result from being bullied our whole lives about being fat. This sub can be very critical of the body positive movement and the self-acceptance movement but the reality is that it saves lives. It might not have been for you, but that doesn't mean it isn't helping someone out there.
When you see someone obese and they're not doing a thing to change it and they're defending themselves, please, do not look down on them or mock them or attack them for "making excuses" or "being delusional". Please, don't try to take away what might be the only thing that is keeping them together. For many of these people, the only thing that allows them to keep going is the idea that they are a human no less deserving of respect just for the way their body looks. If they had access to better mental health care, maybe they wouldn't need to make their own
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2Tccb0q
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