Throwaway for embarrassment reasons.
To make a long story short, I lost my mother last year and turned to drinking and binge eating to cope. I basically put my head down and spent an entire year shoving food and booze into my face in order to avoid dealing with my emotions. I didn't even get a haircut for the whole year. I barely brushed my teeth. I rarely showered. Well now I've been to therapy and have laid off the sauce and for the first time in a long time I looked up. Holy shit, it was the most hideous thing I had ever seen.
The first few fixes were easy. Take a shower, brush your teeth, get your hair cut, go to the dentist. Simple enough and I felt a lot better. But the thing I dreaded I finally did last week: I looked at my body. It's a mess and it disgusts me. Not only is it no longer physically healthy (my blood work definitely wasn't good) but it's changed for the worse so much. Stretch marks now cover my inner thighs from groin to knee, my hips (or I guess my lovehandles now), and the entirety of my breasts. I showed one boob to my sister and she actually cried for me, saying she couldn't imagine it and describing it "like an open wound" (I'm not insulted by her description at all btw, they really do look like that). I have never been this fat in my life and it looks awful to me, but even more so it feels like I'm not myself anymore.
Not metaphorically, I mean I literally feel like this is not my body.
I've always had dissociation issues because of my anxiety, but the weight is aggravating it terribly. I almost passed out once when putting on my socks because I got that far-away "that isn't me, this isn't my body, I'm not in this body" feeling. If you've never felt it, it's terrible. It's like your own body is a car that you're driving instead of YOU and you're losing control of it. As a result I've been avoiding mirrors, any of my old clothes (I bought the baggiest stuff at Goodwill and just shut my closet for good), and even looking down in the shower. I even shave my legs blind, I can't bear to look at them or I get dizzy.
I've been sticking to 1200 calories a day and walking daily but I really feel like I can't be in this meat suit another second. On top of the dissociation, rock-bottom self esteem, and physical pain, my boyfriend won't so much as look at me. I just can't handle this. I want to go back into the drunken binge-eating pit because trying to lose weight means acknowledging that this is my body now and it's going to be my body for a long time. A pound a week or even two pounds a week sounds worse than only sleeping one or two nights a week.
Has anyone ever gone through something similar? I'm in therapy but it's slow and expensive, I could really use some advice or reassurance from someone who's been there. I know they say "you didn't put it on in a day" and all that but I practically did. Just ask my itchy, constantly burning stretch marks.
TL;DR My body is a mess and I'm having trouble dealing with it for both normal and mental illness reasons. Help and reassurance greatly appreciated.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2TgMk7w
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