Hello,
I have been subscribed to this subreddit for a while and have found some really inspiring posts over the years. I have always struggled with weight throughout my entire adult life, constantly yo -yoing back and forth and hitting the gym and taking time off. This time is different.
A little bit of back story. I was always a fat kid. Not really overweight, but pudgy, but throughout elementary, all the kids made sure I knew I was the fat one. Going through Junior high and High school I was always the big guy and was ok with the role for the most part. Normal teenage stuff. Acne and self esteem issues and weight. I joined a football league for 15 year olds but there was a weight restriction and I could get the weight off so I stopped going. Around mid Grade 11, I went to as specialist for A.D.D. mostly because my friends were prescribed this wonder drug Dexedrine. The specialist said I had A.D.D. and prescribed me own supply. All of a sudden my appetite was suppressed and I was actually forgetting to eat. Then all of a sudden clothes started fitting differently. Whats happening? I am losing weight. Then in my obsessive mind, I started counting fat grams thinking, less fat in I will loose weight. It got so bad that I would only eat about 20g of fat per day. At this time I start acutane as well. Come grade 12, I was 100 lbs lighter with no acne. Everyone looked at me and asked, what happened. For the first time in my life I was thin and acne free in my senior year of High School. The confidence shot up. Got my first gf and lost my virginity. Oh to be young again. Then people started saying you look anorexic. This frustrated me because I thought I looked fine. Looking back on pictures, I was pretty thin. The problem was is that I had no muscle mass. Anyway I started eating somewhat normally again but taking Dexedrine was causing me to loose sleep and to fight the anxiety I would drink more. queue my love affair with Alcohol.
Throughout my 20's I did normal stuff but was never as thin as I wanted to be. Again looking back i wasn't fat. I looked fine. It was always in the back of my mind, if I can only get to where I was in high school. Dexedrine was part of my life and in university I focused more on drinking than studying. Flunked out after 2 years, did some self exploration, went off dexedrine, went back to school for something that interest me and graduated with Honours. Meanwhile I have tried to maintain a "healthy weight" which was easier due to age.
Then I met my long term common law gf of 10 years in mid to late 20s. She has a 2 year old so I became instant Dad. She then gets pregnant about a year in to relationship. Buy a house, have a baby. She gets sick and can't work. Money starts to dry up, stress piling up, bedroom is dead and have 4 year dry spell of sex. Meanwhile alcohol is my only comfort. Not during the weekday, but the weekends are my time and I retreat in to the cave of my mind and comfort myself with the drink.
During this period there have been diets tried, gym stints and fluctuating weight. At my Heaviest I was 276 lbs and was afraid reaching 300.
Things started to change about a year ago. I was at an all time low and quite depressed. To the point I was subconsciously planning for my death (performing actions that needed to be done before I died). Was expecting to have a heart attack or a stroke based off my health or suicide. It was in march of 2018 that I decided to go dry and see what that's like. I found inspiration in the many celebrities that lead sober lives (Dax Shepard, Robert Downey Jr). I tell myself, what is it like to be sober for 9 months like a woman who is pregnant. At nine months, I think why not try a year. I also thought maybe my depressive state/mindframe may due to ingesting a depressant for so many years.
About six months ago, it was decided that my common law gf and mother of my child are going to split up. She seems farther a long in the process and I noticed a behavioral change in her. Starts going out, talking to guys, etc. Then find out she has been with someone. That is the last piece of my "fuck this" mind set. No one can touch me.
Queue the mindshift in my perspective. I am going to do me. I am worth it. I am alive and for that I should be grateful. The world is my playground. There are so many people my age that don't have the privilege of health that I should be grateful every single day I wake up in good health. Time to maximize my health to the fullest it can be. At this point I have been sober for over 6 months and it was like the fog has been lifted and I see the world through different eyes. No longer really depressed, even though I am going through a separation.
In the past few months I have following Keto. You hear a lot of stories and it has become a fad. You also hear the negative. I did Keto two years previous and dropped 30 lbs only to put it back on and then some because summer --> alcohol --> bad food. Also, I was eating the same meals and not deviating fearing I may start putting weight back on.
This time is different. No longer am I concerned about eating the wrong thing. I stick to meal planning through out the week but try my hand at the many keto recipes found online. You see info about wrong keto and right keto. The first time I was following wrong keto (Tons of meat without concern for grease. Bacon, burgers etc). This time I am focusing on right Keto (vegetables, healthy fats, fish and chicken). To me it just makes sense. Clean healthy eating. I also started to notice a difference in my body. My skin has cleared up, no longer chronic dry skin on my face, flaky skin. Starting to have a glow. People have told me I look like I am in my 20's
I have also started hitting the gym. Been following the 12 week fat destroyer workout found on muscle and strength and will wake up and go to the gym 6 days a week. It is amazing the motivation and energy you start to feel and you soon look forward to it, like meditation. https://www.muscleandstrength.com/workouts/12-week-fat-destroyer I have started telling people who complain about going to the gym is try the 10 day challenge. Go to the gym for 10 days in a row for minimum 30 minutes. Do a workout, cardio, whatever. You will then be hooked.
So it has been about three months of clean eating and going to the gym and I am down 40 lbs. I have no intention of stopping. I am of the mindset now that your body is like a plant. If you feed the plant the right nutrients and water, it will blossom and flourish. If not it will shrivel up and die. You wouldn't water a plant with soda or juice would you? I no longer look at fast food or deep friend food and start to salivate. I now look at greens and vegetables and get excited and start to salivate. All those nutrients contained within going in to my body and "Watering" my cells like a plant. Providing sustenance. Good oils and fats and vitamins penetrating and giving my cells the nutrition they need.
I know this is a long winded post but I wanted to share the journey and motivation. This may or may not help anyone but just know that there is a hidden motivation there. You are worth the effort and try not to look at sweets and deep fried food with desire. There is nothing there. Every once it a while it's ok to indulge, but notice how your body feels after. Kind of like you have been hit by a truck. Now notice how you body feels after a clean healthy meal. Not so bad. You wont feel it after one clean meal, but after a week or two weeks of eating clean, you will start to notice. Also, I am starting to loathe sugar. I feel like over the past 50 years we have all been fooled in to thinking fat was the enemy, meanwhile everything has been filled with sugar and empty calories to make up for the bland taste of taking out the fat.
There is a small motivation for everyone and just start setting little goals. One day of clean eating. Two days of clean eating. Go to the gym three days in a row, then five days, then 10. Before you know it, you will be on a fast moving train and people will be asking what happened. You are doing great, where did you get the motivation. It is all about you. Don't care about impressing other people. Impress yourself.
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