Edit: NSFW/NSFL
Hey loseit. I wish we didn’t have to meet like this. Is there such thing as a non-scale fail (NSF)? Because if not... I think I invented it.
TL;DR - delicious delicious pasta + me feeling sad because my scale is broken = vom-a-tron at 5am (if you’re reading the TL;DR I’m just going to say you don’t wanna know about the spaghetti part)
Longer version -
Today I found out my scale is broken. It was only a cheap one but I got up, went to the bathroom and weighed myself before breakfast. I weighed in at 80.9, 80.6 and 80.8 within seconds of each weigh in. My scale is on a hard even floor and I tested it again after breakfast in the kitchen... 79.9. The instruction manual is two pages long and half in Chinese so I’m going to go out on a limb and say I can’t really recalibrate it. I tried weighing stuff I knew the weight of but nothing in my kitchen was heavy enough.
Anyway! I know I’ve been eating under my allocated calories so I know I am making progress. I tried not to be too bummed about the scale and went on with my day. Around 11pm, I’d brushed my teeth, showered and was reading. Felt pretty good.
Then my partner comes in. He is a healthy weight and just has a gorgeous toned-but-not-too-toned physique. And he can COOK. So he comes in and asks if I’m hungry. I’d eaten a big lunch that I had thought would count for dinner as well and could honestly have said no... I wish I had.
I say yes. We go into the kitchen expecting to make cheese toasties (one of my weaknesses - he makes them in the pan, so good) and realise our bread is mouldy (Australian summer, if your bread isn’t in the freezer you’re setting yourself up for failure).
This was a sign that I should have gone to bed.
We settle instead on pasta. I thought he meant like an instant packet pasta that we would split, but then he said “carbonara or pesto?” His carbonara is PERFECTION. He makes it without cream, just with eggs cheese and pasta water, the way it’s supposed to be. We use pancetta because guancale (spelling?) is hard to find here.
Long story short he serves up two bowls and some extra that goes into a Tupperware. I look at both bowls and see one serving is bigger than the other. I, out of greedy habit, dive for the bigger bowl. We eat, yum yum, and go to bed.
I have reflux so I was a little uncomfortable before falling asleep with my stomach so full. I thought to myself “I shouldn’t do that again”.
Cue 5am. I wake up, my stomach rolling and I am shaking. I immediately think to myself “man, of all things carbonara has to be the worst thing to puke back up.” I was right.
I go to the bathroom. Just to pee, I says, and then I’ll be fine. Sitting there, my whole body is shaking and my heart is racing. I knew it was gonna happen so I got down on my knees and waiting, gulping for air.
Then it happened. The event of the season. And let me tell you, cheese, garlic, eggs, not great to throw up. It stunk like FILTH. But the worst part... the spaghetti.
I retch for round two and my nose fills with cheesey eggy saucey vomit. It burns and my eyes start to water as I’m going at it. The retching subsides and what do I notice... but spaghetti. Hanging out my nose.
Now I’ve never been that kid at school who could do that with pasta. I’m very sensitive about my nose in fact. So imagine my horror and disgust when I realise there is spaghetti where it really shouldn’t be.
I start to snort out frantically, grabbing at nearby toilet paper and retching at the sight of parsley and little bits of spaghetti coming from my nose. It burns so bad and I snort and snort and snort and more and more bits of pasta come out of my nose.
I wake up my partner at this point and ask him for water and to run a shower. I get in the shower and tearfully beg for help getting my nose clear. I stand in there for half an hour, snorting out pasta and retching, until it’s as clear as I can get it.
It still burns. It still tastes and smells rank. I brushed and flossed and mouth washed, I ate some mango to get rid of the taste and still, when I lie down, the back of my throat fills with pasta-ey bile. It is 6:30am now and I can only wish for a swift death.
Don’t be like me. Don’t eat a full meal at midnight. Don’t dive for the bigger portion just because it’s habit. And whenever you’re looking at that big bowl of pasta, trying to ignore the nagging in your head that says you shouldn’t eat it, think of me, spaghetti girl.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat http://bit.ly/2TtatEa
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