Hi...new here. I want to apologize now for this novel...I'm horrible at making these things short.
I am a 5'8", 200lb 25 yr old female. I grew up on the "heavy side of skinny". But I wasn't ever really fat.
I moved in with my boyfriend (now husband) 6 yrs ago (a little over a year after graduating from high school). When I moved in with him, I was even skinnier than I was in high school due to severe depression/self harm/a suicide attempt and really just not eating because of those things. I weighed around 150lbs maybe less. Of course at the time I still thought I was chubby but I look back now and damn I was skinny.
Anyways...We were in love and I became much happier over the years. Unfortunately the happiness and comfort led to eating...a lot. Over the 6 years, my weight has fluctuated based on my stressors, depression, random diets, etc. Sometimes stress eating...sometimes severely restricting calories in an attempt to lose a lot of weight fast...and inevitably resulting in binges. My husband has gained a lot too but just from generally eating junk food. He doesnt binge like me. He isn't happy about his weight gain either, though he definitely isn't depressed about it.
I was officially diagnosed with binge eating disorder a couple years ago. I was in a constant cycle of binge, restrict, binge, restrict, etc. I've been in years of therapy, including outpatient eating disorder group therapy, and I have taken and still am taking many medications.
I'm more out of control than ever with my binging, though. I found a best friend at my workplace a little over a year ago. We hit it off and got that kind of perfect "TV sitcom friendship" everyone wants. I'll just go ahead and say it- she is obese. I didn't care of course. And we both found comfort in eating so anytime we hung out, junk food was involved. My main weakness/addiction is sweets. Chocolate, specifically. My binging and weight have skyrocketed throughout our friendship. I weighed myself somewhat recently and found I was 200lbs. I was shocked. This is the heaviest I've ever been. She had gained some weight as well though I'm not sure how much.
A couple months ago, though, she decided to look into gastric bypass surgery. She started the 6 month prep for that with her doctor and dietitian and she has already lost 30lbs. I'm amazed and so happy for her but I can't help being a little... envious. I can't seem to pull myself out of this junk food rut. I just keep eating and eating until I'm sick to my stomach and miserable. I hate myself for it. I dont fit into most of my clothes. I dont let my husband see me naked because I am humiliated.
I'm envious of every little tiny skinny girl I see. My sister in law is one of those naturally skinny girls...like super skinny. I am envious every time I'm around her and I feel like a whale next to her.
I guess after all this, my questions for you are, have you been in a similar situation? Have you been able to stop binging? How do you even start the process of changing these unhealthy ways? I dont qualify for surgery, obviously. I cant afford a dietitian. But I dont think I can do this alone either. "Just start eating healthier" is so much easier said than done.
Please help. :(
Signed, Fat, depressed, and scared of mirrors
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