“Money is sexy. Money is a topic that they should want to talk with you about, and the truth is, they should want to know as much about you as you about them, and if they don’t want to do that it’s like not even practicing safe sex, it’s like going for it.” (Suze Orman on the Wendy Williams Show)
Recently I was watching an episode of “Ask Wendy” featuring Suze Orman, who is a known financial advisor, and an audience member asked when it was appropriate to discuss money when you start dating someone. Ok, maybe not on the first date but, Orman’s comparison to not discussing money to having unsafe sex makes me think, well maybe early on in the dating process is more appropriate then most people may think.
Back in my twenties and even thirties, I was not comfortable broaching the topic of money early on in a relationship. There are many factors that go into why I would avoid discussions on money, for example, you can come across as only interested in money versus getting to know someone but, isn’t their financial background a huge piece of getting to know someone? Maybe more important than getting to know them intimately so the money talk should come first – before the sex.
Now in my forties I have no problem discussing money at any early point in a relationship. I have nothing to hide and have no problem putting myself out there on the subject. If I were to discuss it it would go something like this: I have no debt, no student loans, I make 60 thousand dollars a year and have for the last decade so have hit the ceiling in my job. (My income is public information so anyone can look it up online so even if I wasn’t comfortable pulling out a number what’s the point.) Would I discuss my savings? No. Would I say I have a Roth IRA yes, but I would not divulge the amount.
I don’t think you have to disclose everything about your financial status but, enough for them to have an idea of where things stand. My FICO score is high so might drop that into the conversation since I don’t make that much money to begin with and a high score shows I am a responsible person.
But, if I found myself in a conversation with a guy that was one sided I’d take a step back. It’s not that I would judge the person but immediately my mind would think, what are they hiding? Are they loaded and don’t want me to only go after their money? Or are they poor and ashamed of their financial status? A million things can go through my mind, and it’s just not an easy conversation. I think culturally we tend to not want to discuss money. I remember when I was growing up as a child one day I asked my Dad how much money he made and I’ll never forget his response. He more or less said that was none of my business and I had no right or reason to ask about it or bring up the topic ever again. Maybe that set the tone for me to not be forthcoming with asking potential partners their income. I don’t know. It’s complicated but after hearing Orman give advice to this audience member, I think she is right. I think we have to have those conversations cause we live in a time where, especially for women, we have to be financially independent. One of the main reasons I don’t have children is cause I flat out can’t afford one, and don’t think it is fair to have a child if you don’t have the financial means but, that’s just me. Some people get uncomfortable when I say that or offended that I think that but I don’t understand people that pump out children they can’t afford but that’s a whole other conversation.
So, having said all that, we often times discuss when it is appropriate to discuss our mental health status with a new partner. When in the dating process do you drop the, “I’m manic depressive and do you know what that means?” I remember years ago I was friends with a guy who told me he would never be with a person that was mentally ill. I replied well I am mentally ill but we’ll never date so we’re good. However, eventually he fell in love with me, and I knew it was coming when he slowly asked me about my disease. His opinion on dating someone mentally ill shifted cause he wanted to be with me but that was only after he got to know me as a person.
Now, I’ll tell someone I’m mentally ill in a heartbeat. What’s the point of hiding it. Even if I wanted to people can Google me and my writing on mental illness is all over the internet so I can’t hide or pretend I’m someone that I’m not, and I wouldn’t want to even if I wasn’t online. But, I think the money conversation would come first, then the mentally ill one, then the sex. At least that’s what feels right to me but, I am sure everyone has their own timeline on these discussions.
Bottom line: When you think about money and sex, money is more important. Talking about money is more important than jumping in the sack (unless you are only after a one night stand so in that case who cares about divulging monetary conversations.) When when you think about not discussing money as engaging in unprotected sex, it really hits home. Don’t be afraid to jump into what might be an uncomfortable conversation. It’s better to know now, then find out later.
from Psych Central Blogs https://ift.tt/2O1XrOZ
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