I've rewritten this about 4 times now. Bare with me while I try to collect my thoughts together. This will sort of be a long post, but I'm so incredibly thankful for you reading. Please, I am really begging for help here. I'm at a loss.
Let's start with my track record.
I've had an eating disorder ever since I was old enough to talk, according to my parents. I'd ask for ice cream at 2 in the morning, or when I could have a second plate of food before I even touched my meal. I spent a lot of time with my great-grandmother as a child, and she actually fed me anything I wanted. By the time I was 9, I actually was the size of a 14-15 year old (height wise, about 5'5 or 5'6) - I also hit puberty at this age, starting my period, growing breasts, etc. So everyone around me was feeding me like a teenager / adult. I was eating full plates of food for working men by the time I was 10.
Of course, at this time, I was a bit overweight. However, I was actually really active. I didn't have a soda addiction at this time, either, so I was always guzzling water. I was a pretty average size, just a bit chubby. Then, I was pulled out of school. I lost my friends, and all my activity died down to just sitting on the computer like a little gremlin, playing video games for 20+ hours a day, after my school work at home, of course. I gained quite a bit of weight, and by 13, I started martial arts. They actually pushed me really hard in the classes, so I was slim... About 175 pounds of toned, lean muscle.
By 16, I lost 5 people in the same year. All of my activities stopped. I stopped going to work. I just sat home and ate myself into the pit that I'm in right now. I became depressed. It's consumed me, I feel like.
Where I'm at right now, since 16 years old...
I'm in this bottomless pit of depression. I've somehow got an extremely handsome man in my life that wants to marry me - it's almost unbelievable. I have a very low self esteem, as many overweight people do. I went from that lean and cut 175 pounds to a whopping 390+ pounds. I am ashamed of myself. A strong woman that had so much independence and hope for her future, is now a pathetic slob who can't even bend over to put her own socks on. When all of those people in my family died, it really devastated me, because I lost a lot of people close to me. But, I've tried not to let that be the reason why I say I'm overweight. I'm overweight because of me. Because I did this to myself.
I'm aware of the problem. I just don't know how to get out of this pit. I don't know how to snap out of it and realize I need to lose weight. My legs are swollen with lymphatic fluid. In my daily life, I'm somewhat active. I work at a psychiatric hospital as a CNA, so I'm doing constant walking and running from unit to unit, but I'm clearly not as agile as I used to be.
Well, now you know I have a severe eating disorder... So, what now?
My mother knows someone who's gotten a gastric sleeve. Her and her husband both did it, actually, and I'm actually really jealous of them. They look so happy. Actually, just last night, I started looking at pictures of them while sobbing. I know that sounds really freaking lame, but I've been crying almost every day for a couple months. I have barely any motivation to do anything - instead, I'm just waiting for my fat to just consume me and just let it kill me in my sleep or something, I don't know. I feel pretty suicidal, but not in a way that I want to take my life. I'm just very unhappy with everything right now.
"The only person that can change that is you. If you're tired of it, then just get off your butt and start walking on the treadmill." ...Well, I don't feel like doing that. I don't know what's wrong with me. I want to change, but I don't want to do anything. I don't know how to explain it, it's so overwhelming. I look at all the before and afters of gastric sleeve surgeries and they're all so happy, smiling, wearing clothes they want. It seems like such a quick fix, and my mother's friend lost so much weight in her first 6 weeks... You can really see it in her face and body how much better she looks. I want that for myself, too.
My mom, dad, and fiance are trying to talk me out of getting the surgery. "If you're going to get a surgery where you have to be on such a strict diet, then just do regular dieting and exercise. You're putting yourself at a huge, possibly fatal risk by doing the surgery." - While that may be true, I also feel like while I am so emotionally attached to food, if someone from my unit orders pizza and soda, I physically CANNOT eat it. I would vomit. Where-as on a regular diet? I could just grab a slice. Because I have no self control.
It's probably a good time to tell you that I do NOT have a gallbladder. I got it removed when I was 18 due to severely painful gallstone attacks. So, my mother, being a registered nurse.. She thinks my liver will absolutely crap out on me and go into failure, if I'm not careful. I just don't know if it's the right option for someone in my situation.
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I don't know. I'm scared, I feel like no one understands where I'm coming from. I feel really, really alone. I really would appreciate any help or guidance, closure about my horrible insecurities. I feel like no one likes me because I'm fat - co-workers, I feel like all they do is just look at my fatness. Patients especially have commented on how fat I am. Granted, they're mental, it still hurts. I'm just in a really sensitive position right now. I feel like anything could make me cry.
I don't know what to do anymore.
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