(Warning: huge wall of text. There's a TL;DR at the bottom.)
If you're going to comment on this telling me I'm a horrible person or you'd hurt me if you could just don't, I'm going to ignore it and there's really no point...
My whole life I've loved animals, I liked to help them and I love looking at them and smiling at how cute they are, etc. But when I was a kid, while that was also true, I lacked the ability to fully realize when I was causing distress to any animal and that it was wrong. I mean, I knew it was wrong, but it didn't properly register. For example, when I was four and alone I squeezed this classroom's pet rat really hard for no real reason, just an urge, and when it obviously bit me I stomped on it. It didn't die and I put it back in the cage and was scared because I was afraid of being found out but for whatever reason wasn't concerned for the animal..
As I got older I would do things to the four cats we had... It was never to the point of causing them any injury, because that's where I apparently drew the line like it's any worse than what I did... I would intentionally scare/startle them and think their reactions were really funny, I liked seeing how high the cats would jump up and stuff. And I would give them unneccesary baths all the time when no one was watching. I didn't really want to ever hurt the cats, and all I did was give them a normal bath... The sounds they made amused me. I rationalized it with "well they aren't actually in danger or getting hurt so it's not that bad". The worst was when I tried to take one of a neighbor's outdoor cat's kittens. I brought it into my house but it ran away and hid where I couldn't get to it and I got angry that it was hiding when there was no reason to.. I hit it with a piece of wood to make it come out. It wasn't hard enough to break anything but I did give it a bloody nose. Again I was just afraid to get caught. I brought the kitten back immediately once I grabbed it. When I got back, though, I remembered the image of the kitten's bloody nose and scared eyes and it made me really sad. After that I gradually (over a month or two) stopped any of those behaviors. I think I was 12. It was the first time I started to have a conscience about it.
Timeskip to when I'm 17. I haven't harmed any animals, or even wanted to, but then I got this adorable goldern retriever puppy. And I loved her to death. I still do. But she was terribly behaved. What's worse is when I wasn't home, my parents would leave her out in our fenced in yard for hours at a time, and then when she inevitably tore something up or dug holes they would yell at me and say that they would get rid of my puppy if it continued. They wouldn't listen to me when I begged them to please not leave her out unsupervised for more than a minute or two, saying it was my job to train her.
And I tried, I really did. With normal methods. But it's kind of hard to keep a puppy from causing mischief when they're left alone in a yard filled with things they shouldn't chew for six to eight hours at a time.. the anger towards me continued, and I started hitting her after dragging her over to the thing she had done and showing her (yes, I know that doesn't really work, that's the point of this). Not hard at first but she just kept doing it... It became so easy for me to get angry at her. And I would hit her hard by the end of her puppyhood, always thinking something like "you KNOW by now this is bad, you only run away from me outside if you've done something (which was true), so you KNOW it was bad and did it anyways. So I'll keep doing this until you decide it isn't worth it". Again, I know that's unreasonable and I even knew it at the time but I would just get so frustrated...
I've never hit or otherwise hurt her unless she's done something bad, though. I would sometimes get the anger and the urge to but since I didn't think it was fair to do that if she hadn't done anything wrong I would just play roughly with her, like pushing her around and stuff. I mean, she would be happy and play back, I wasn't being threatening or anything... And it actually satisfied whatever sick need I had so I would always just do that. As for my cats, I never have a desire to hurt them. I love them all and I can't even imagine wanting to hurt them.
But that's all backstory really for the main issue I've been having. For the last year or so, I would buy hamsters or mice from pet stores, with the full intention of having them as a pet I would take care of. But it wouldn't take long before I would start to get these irresistible urges to hurt them or make them uncomfortable whenever they did the tiniest things. Like pee or poop on me or gently nip me (so it didn't hurt). And the worst part was, I KNEW they couldn't really control their bladders or bowel movements. I KNEW that it was normal for them to sometimes gently explore things with their teeth. But I would get so angry. I killed one hamster after it actually bit me hard enough to draw blood (it was under a blanket, I was trying to get it out and scared it). I threw it and it hit a dresser and died almost instantly. For the record, I never want to kill them. And at first it was like the cats, not wanting to injure them.
I had a pair of mice when I was 19 that were really energetic and wanted to run around outside more than their cage. It was a bit too small for two mice, but knowing that, I would let them out in my bathroom with the floor cleared and towels stuffed under the door for a couple hours every day. They had toys too of course. I wanted them to have fun. But it wouldn't always be enough and they learned how to jump up against the top of the cage to make it rattle. And they would do it repeatedly, all night, while I was trying to sleep. I would get really angry and, instead of letting them run around, I would fill my bathtub a few inches with lukewarm water and toss them in there, figuring that the swimming would wear them out. And it did, but that's not the point, the point is that it's messed up... It only got worse from there - one of them died naturally but the other got scared and bit me hard once and I threw them away immediately. I was angry but I'm still not sure if it was an automatic reaction or not for that one. He hit his head and died after an hour of being unresponsive. And the whole time, I was trying to revive him, get more air in his mouth, etc...
After that it got even more messed up. I got a hamster and when it kept running around and squirming away when I tried to hold it, I shook him around by the leg until it broke (I wasn't trying to break it, just make it so he wouldn't be able to walk on it for a day or two, but does that even matter?). I just wanted him to be a lap hamster basically, even though that's not what rodents do... He started to squeal and stuff when I touched him the wrong way, I guess, however it scared him, like if I touched his side or anything. And I kind of liked the squeaking and kind of hated it all at once. I was angry he was making noises but also satisfied in some fucked up way that he did. I found out that if I hit him hard in the butt with a pencil a few times, he would start to associate that with pain so I would just tap his butt as he ran away from it to make him squeak and it also satisfied the urges. But he bit me eventually - I'm surprised he was so tame it didn't happen sooner - and I angrily smacked him over the head with a hairbrush handle. I didn't think it would be enough to kill him, but it was...
And then just two days ago (age 23 now) I whacked a mouse I really liked that jumped off my bed with the edge of a paperback book. Knowing from past experience how little force it takes to injure or kill them I was trying to be "gentle" but I must have hurt her on the inside and a minute later she started gasping for air and convulsing and I couldn't do anything to help her. And... ugh fuck, after she died I HAD to know how she because I really didn't think I hit her that hard... I just needed to know, I don't know why, but I did. So I... I opened up her chest to see what the hell had happened... A rib had punctured a lung (I tried to feel if that had happened before I even thought about doing that, but I couldn't tell). And I mean I wrapped her up after that all gently, hands shaking, and put her in a wooden box I liked and buried it.
The whole time I've been doing these things with the rodents, I'm even thinking about how messed up it is AS I'M DOING IT. My internal dialogue when I'm angry and doing it is like "that'll teach you for doing XYZ, you piece of trash" and instantly in response "you're the one torturing an animal you sick fuck". If I saw someone doing what I do to them, I would be horrified and do everything I could to stop them. But it's so hard to stop myself from doing them, the regret comes after.
I want to stop doing these things. I know it's wrong. I know that truly deep down in my heart I don't want any animal to be in pain, ever. I don't think it will progress to anything else since like I said I could never hurt even a cat or kitten now. Or any dog but my one I have that history with.
I don't know where the need stems from. I think about that, also, as I'm doing it or watching them suffer. Like "I know a lot of people do it to have control. Is that why I do? GET BACK HERE FUCKER!! I don't know if it's that. Is it inadequacy? Relieving stress? OH YOU'RE IN FOR IT NOW" all in the same twenty seconds... I had mentally and emotionally abusive parents and I'm sure it's a factor but I never felt powerless with that, because I would always find a way to get what I wanted anyways (like getting a second phone case and a model phone that I would give when they would take my phone).
How can I control this? Or stop it? I know the obvious ones already: DON'T GET ANY MORE. But that's just as hard to control as the acts I do. I need something else. Or "get help"... I am really scared I would either seriously creep out a psychologist or they would try to get me committed, because, you know, "it will progress to people". So it would be really hard for me to do that. Are there any mental exercises or outlets I can replace this with?? Thank you. If you actually read all this you're a god amongst men...
TL;DR: I'm a fucked up person who has a history of harming small animals as it gives me a certain dark satisfaction... I know it's wrong, I know it's messed up, I don't like that I do it. What methods could I use to help curb this? I'm afraid to go to a psychologist because I don't want to be institutionalized or anything like that and I'm scared I would be if I told them this.
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from Mental Health https://ift.tt/2GlF0gt
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