I’m writing this in the hopes of steering myself away from the binge. I’ve been doing CICO and IF for the past week and I don’t want to ruin my streak by binging, and then waking up and hating myself for having caved into temptation.
It’s always at around 9pm that I get these horrible urges to stuff my face with things that I don’t even like. Twinkies, for example? I hate them. They’re sickly sweet. And yet right now I could probably inhale four of them. Thank goodness they don’t sell them where I’m from lmao.
If you’re still reading, I’m going to tell you an anecdote - probably one of my lowest points regarding my binge eating.
I was probably 16 or 17, and I rode the bus to and from school everyday. My parents would come home from work until 5pm and my little brother was too engrossed in his most recently acquired Pokemon game for his DS, so he paid no attention to me. So every other day or so, as my bus neared my house, I’d call the local supermarket and place an order, timing it almost perfectly so that 5 minutes after I got home, the bell would ring and my order would be there.
Here’s what I would order: a small or medium tub of Nutella, several Hershey’s milk chocolate bars, some chips, and sometimes a bag of gummies. And then I’d shut myself in my bedroom and eat my heart out. Of course, I had to get rid of the evidence, right? So I would stuff everything in the plastic supermarket bag it came in, tell my brother I was going for a walk, and throw my trash in my neighbour’s bin (three or four doors down, obviously). I was paranoid my mother would find out what caused my weight gain, what caused my acne, my depression, my isolation. So I always took extra steps to make sure she never found out.
But then one day... One day she found out. It was bound to happen, eventually. You see, I’d grown careless, confident that I would never get caught. I was halfway into my tub of Nutella and deep into an episode of god knows what show I was binge watching on Netflix, when my bedroom door opened and my mother stepped in. Well, she stopped dead in her tracks in my doorway, really. My heart jumped to my throat. I hadn’t heard her arrive. Hadn’t heard her when she called my name from downstairs. Hadn’t noticed the time. Worse still, I hadn’t locked my door. So there she stood, staring at me and I staring back. I had no words, nor did she. Then she silently turned around and left. My heart was pounding in my chest. I think I would have preferred she confront me then and there rather than let me sit in my pile of wrappers and sugar. God I was so ashamed of myself! But not because I was eating my way to 80kg at 16 years of age and not even 165cm tall; because I had been caught.
I didn’t speak to my parents that day. In fact, I didn’t leave my room at all. How could I face them after my mother had finally seen why I had such poor health? Why they spent so much money on doctors and nutritionists and gym memberships and exercise clothes that stopped fitting every so often? Instead I locked my door and kept eating.
Evidently, that wasn’t the day I decided to turn things around. My high school graduation came along and I was still the biggest in my generation, the loneliest, and the most pathetic. I took moving away to uni, having to walk to and from campus every day and living off canned tuna for an entire semester (I was too lazy to cook myself a decent meal) to lose 10kg without actually trying. When I came home after my first semester of uni my mother cried when she saw me. She claimed it was because she had missed me, but I think she was also happy to see that I wasn’t at such an unhealthy weight anymore.
It’s been 3 and a half years and I still struggle with my weight. I still want and need to lose more weight, but at least I don’t binge on sugar like I used to. At least I don’t waste all my savings on sugar anymore. I’ll have chocolate now and then and still love how buttery it is on my tongue, but I’ll also whip up a delicious veggie and quinoa stir fry and love it as well.
That’s why I find Twinkies (and any other confection, really) too sweet - I’m reminded of my lowest moments, of how easily I caved into my sweet tooth, of how I indulged myself in nothing but sugar, of how I ate my way into teenage obesity. I’m never going back to that mentality or weight ever again. I won’t let myself.
Thanks for reading, if anyone is still here. It really helped to write this out. It was almost cathartic. I’m going to brush my teeth and read a book now. Maybe I’ll make some tea as well. Thanks once again. :)
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